of being empty, of being alone

sometimes to be empty is better than to be full. emptiness creates a desire to have something more. it opens the palm of one's hand to signify willingness to receive something. a full glass, no matter how much one tries to pour water in, will only make the water overflow and be wasted. a conceited brain never wants to accept new ideas. an overconfident heart never longs to have someone come to reside in its abode.

emptiness creates a drive to strive harder. emptiness breeds patience. however, to be empty, if not properly abated, is to feel being unwanted. thus, emptiness, if not guarded, leads to death. what do we do when we feel empty and inappropiately address that emptiness? we struggle more to earn more, yet we only end up being empty because there is always an insatiable want to look for something else. and we exert forced efforts to belong but only end up being empty because there are always rejections and casting out.

but like the empty bench and the empty bike, if you just let it be, to be empty is to invite someone to come to you, to encourage someone to take you to a nice biking holiday. to empty your mind and to empty your heart, if you just let it be, is to be willing to embrace new ideas, to be willing to invite someone to fill the void within. and in this case, if you are inviting someone, i suggest you invite Jesus too to come into your heart.

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sometimes to be alone is better than to be in a crowd. to be with oneself is better than to be with others. have you tried being in shinjuku eki where there are throngs of people you rub elbows with but still you feel like you are alone and unnoticed?

to be alone doesn't necessarily mean to be lonely. although to be alone, if not guarded, leads to depression, thus can also lead to death.

but to be alone, if taken appropriately, encourages one to reflect, to meditate. it leads one to redirect, if necessary, his priorities. it gives one the opportunity to siphon the essentials from the nonessentials. it brings him back to the basics. it simplifies. and most importantly, it turns him to find a greater sense of fellowship, of belongingness - it turns him to believe that he plus God is already a majority.

like the house standing on its own posts, its being alone only adds up to the wonders of its surrounding. and like the man standing on his own feet, his being alone only builds up his confidence that as the sun will set, so tomorrow it shall again rise.

"be still and know that He is God."(psalm 46:10)

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good night now. i will travel and sleep in my old baby crib tomorrow, then to tokyo on thursday. be back on sunday. til then.

v-day

hidden park in urasa during spring, may 1, 2005

before the v day
where was i yesterday? after church, i decided to take my bicycle and explore the sleeping city called urasa (better call it that way than minami uonuma city; the former is tongue friendly). and the pictures show what i discovered. lies beneath its seemingly void of human activity and interaction is a hidden haven of rest. i saw a family playing together, lovers walking alongside the lake, a lone man reading his books, and some groups taking pictures. this place is really designed for those who are tired of city scapes and the hypocrisy of a city life. ain't i glad i came to this place? yes to the question, but still no to iuj education.

______________________________


during spring, may 2, 2005

after the v day
where was i today? just right after i submitted my thesis, i treated myself a luxurious trip to supa. meaning, i bought an ice cream and nothing more. (more luxurious trip for me is simply going to supa and buy nothing.) went back to my room, pampered myself with an afternoon sleep. i woke up at 5:30pm and was greeted by an afternoon sun which was still very up. great day for biking and picture taking, i thought. so off i went to the tree (upper right hand corner of the photocollage) ive been longing to photograph. (thanks to leah who informed me this tree changes colors during autumn.) and the pictures show what i discovered. i saw more things aside from the tree. the tranquility of the place brought me back to the good old days. i realized i was free more than i ever thought i was. i have the luxury of time. i was praising God of the idea that it was me and Him together now in this "flight fright, flight fight." isn't this a wonderful experience? yes to the question, and i am coming to terms now with the idea that it must always be Him and me, together, wherever, whatever, whenever.

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(postnote: on my way back, i met this japanese acquaintance of mine who invited me to a dinner together with 2 mongolian ladies. one is my good friend. i just parked my bike, hopped in to his car and we went to the mountain of hakkai, literally into the woods where a sumptuous sukiyaki dinner was waiting for us in a lone house by the river. blurp! i call it really a day.)

sidewalk tulips

in urasa sidewalk. may 1&2, 2005

tulips for my miss. this kind is significant to me. they sent me once heavenward and who knows what will this bring me in the near future.

they are everywhere, more particularly in sidewalk. i've always been right to believe in the wonders of the street, in the beauty of the sidewalk. there is life in there, there is vibrance, there is celebration, there is color, there is freedom.

not all things beautiful are confined in the rooms of pharaos or in the palaces of the kings.

spring orchestra

iuj backyard, april 29, 2005

when the going gets tough, "desiderata" has it all to say: "with all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world." (max ehrmann, desiderata, copyright 1952)

the pictures above express it all: it is still a beautiful world. "In His time, God makes all things beautiful."

the pictures were taken yesterday at past 3pm. when others were all nowhere to be found, i was in the middle of nowhere, a lone audience of this once in a lifetime spring orchestra: the mountain provided a natural backdrop, the melting snow served as the platform, the rain was singing, the fog was dancing, and all the trees and sakura were playing their own song. i was taking part of this wonderful moment that would never be shown again. and i was ecstatic. last weekend, i watched two concerts. one in muikamachi where all bands just provided added noise to the already troubled minds of those who attended; the other one was in ojiya where a woman who took a graceful bow sang lullabyes. the two concerts failed in comparison to the spring orchestra i listened to yesterday. it was such a perfect communion with the naturals.

it really was, and is, a beautiful world. how could the God of heaven create such majestic orchestration of things around? how could He be gracious enough to make me a part of it?

"He makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth;
He sends lightning with the rain
and brings out the wind from His storehouses." (psalm 135:7, NIV)

"i think that i shall never see,
a poem lovely as a tree.
a tree whose mouth is prest
against the sweet earth's flowing breast...
poems are made by fools like me,
but only God can make a tree." (tree, joyce kilmer, 1886-1918)

indeed, "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." (ecclesiastes 3:1, NIV) my time is now, and my place is here. i'm savoring the moment. God is really good.

enjoy the world, it is beautiful outside. we only live once, live it to the full. word of caution though: "do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." (romans 12:2, NIV)

fallen

sakura just below my prison cel window, april 29, 2005

even the fallen has the right to be beautiful. who am i to cast judgment on you? who are they to condemn you?

when you fall, you strive to bloom. even in the most unlikely situation, you still give it your best shot. you comfort the wearied spirit, you slow down the hurried soul, even if we know you only have few days to stay, few days to live.

"God made the sun, it gives.
God made the moon, it gives.
God made the tree, it gives.
God made the flower, it gives.
God made man, he..."
(quoted from memory)

"teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." -psalm 90:12

looking out and beyond

kohei-kun, a 7-year old and still not losing the wonders (shiozawa, april 23, 2005)

it was a long travel. but did i mind? if one looks out and beyond, as if waiting for something to see, or for someone to pop up, or wonder if in the forest there are insects now when snow is melting, the travel won't seem to be long. in fact, no one minds even if it takes eternity to journey on the way back home. just don't lose the wonders.

this is a lesson learned from this 7-year old boy who never tires thinking out loud, in japanese at that.

sooner than later, i will be packing up my bag, and fly home. yes two years was a long journey. but when i learned to wonder, no, i didn't mind the long travel. as i journey my way back home, i will never lose the wonders.

the academic demands of iuj seemed to be insurmountable; however, i was unfazed. the piece of paper conferred as a degree is no feat for me. sad to say it is only a piece of paper. the process of looking out and beyond was more important to me as i believe the journey is too short if i wonder more; too long if i begged off under pressures. learning, and enjoying in the process, is my priority. passing, and accomplishing in the process, is only the tip of the iceberg. iuj was too much concerned of passing, more than learning; of quantity, more than quality. if i was fazed, i would have died from heart attack, what then?

just like kohei-kun, who didn't mind the long travel, i would look out, look beyond and ask: do you have beetles in the philippines as big as in brazil's? (i don't even know there are beetles in brazil.) how did the insects go to the mountains? then suddenly i would change the topics to gundam and sports cars. that was exactly what i did in my 2-year iuj life. i didn't mind the demands, i just went out, look out, look beyond and enjoyed. and things just fell into place.

five years from now, i wouldn't remember the OLS regression, but i would remember the insects in the mountains, the beetles, and yes, gundam and sports cars.

(i would like to believe that Jesus, in His 33-year journey on earth, did just like that: look out and look beyond. He was unfazed of the legalism of the pharisees; instead, He enjoyed the company of the lepros, ate with the outcasts, took time to draw a circle on the sand, and came out glorious.)

blossoms

sakura in a parking area, ojiya city, april 24, 2005 (there is always something beautiful even in a most unlikely place)


when something wilts away,
there is always a good chance
it will blossom again.

that's how God designs things to be
when He gives, He also takes away.
but when He takes, He also gives abundantly.

even in the most ordinary place
and even to the most tired passers by
there always blossoms something as beautiful as sakura.

if only the passer by would open his eyes wide
and pause for a while, nay, longer stand by
he can actually smell the fresh spring in the air.

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(jerry scott's comics goes:
sluggo: nice ironing job!
nancy: AT LEAST I TRIED!

hahaha it's really difficult to make a poem. AT LEAST I TRIED! keep on gar, u got it best. i will just smell the spring in the air.)

when she bows

in ojiya city public hall, april 24, 2005

her name is yuri mori. she sings. she sings well. she sings well from the heart. she sings well from the heart in one hour and a half. then she bows. she bows gracefully. she bows gracefully after she sings well from the heart in one hour and a half.

that's all i have known of this beautiful woman from japan. only in one hour and a half. after her voice soars and penetrates even those most calloused of all calloused hearts, after hearing, like a tiny bell, the sound of her songs that wakes up the fallen and moves even the tired hearts, after contemplating the message of her songs, "Jesus loves me, this i know, for the bible tells me so," "fight the unbeatable foe, bear the unbearable sorrow," which moves me on, then she bows. when she bows, she becomes the epitome of everything i long admire. so graceful. so soft. so calm. i feel her fragility when she bows. she does it like a swan swaying in a pond.

but her bow, when she bows, leaves me in awe. it awes me of God's sufficient grace, that no matter how turbulent the world outside, there is always a gracious end of all the beginnings. no matter how good the experience might be, or how worst the show maybe, there is always one graceful bow at the end of it all. after all, when yuri mori bows, she bows at the end of her show.

yellow daffodils

daffodil, in the parking area, NPO "hotel"

when the petals of the yellow daffodils

wait for the warmth of the sunset kiss

so i shall never cry of the passing of time;

the spring of sunrise kissing again

the petals of the yellow daffodils

there a promise, there a smile.

oh i will have no more thoughts of bygones

because the daffodils have greeted

"hello world! here i shall be!"

its promise, once more to embrace.

while the sun sets, while the sun rises,

surely so shall its kisses be.

dats y

my toilet companion, the reason why some people say i am irresponsible and i take things lightly. as long as there are simos, angelitos, and dyanis in this world, i am not bothered. after all, they are and they will be the very people as my company.

maton: kung matapang ka, lumabas ka dyan sa pinagtataguan mo!!!
angel: AYOKONG LUMABAS!!! (to himself) dapat malaman ng gagong yan na hindi ako natatakot sa kanya!
________________
bing: wow! ang ganda ng pagkakagawa! tunay na obra maestra!
angel: itong painting ko?
bing: hindi. ang frame!
________________
marissa: oy! nagpapa-kyut. me syota ka na siguro, ano?
angel: WALA, no!
marissa: e, ba't sabong pampaligo ang ginagamit mo? dati sabong panlaba lang!
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angel: kung lalagyan ko ng stamp itong sulat, aabot ba ito sa bacolod?
marissa: syempre!
angel: e, kung naka-address itong sulat sa cebu?
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marissa: angel! chinese book yang hawak mo, a!
angel: kaya pala hindi ko mabasa!
marissa: binasa mo?
angel: oo, akala ko ingles, e!
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simo: magkano ba ang bayad magpatingin?
nurse: one hundred pesos sa bagong pasyente at fifty pesos na lang sa susunod na pagpapatingin.
simo: haaaay naku! heto na NAMAN ako!!
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simo: hulaan mo kung sino ako! pag nagkamali ka ng tatlong beses, HAHALIKAN kita!
bing: si melchor? gaspar? balatazar?
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simo: pangit ka! pangit! PANGIT!
bing: lasinggo! lasinggo! LASINGGO!
simo: e, ano! bukas wala na ito. pero kayo?
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bing: simo, kanina pang tingin nang tingin ang lalaking yan sa kin! at parang lasing yata.
simo: siempre, titingin tingin ba yan sa yo kung hindi lasing!
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bong: sabi nila kung palagi kang kumakain ng mani magiging matalino ka!
simo: kaya ako palaging kumakain ng mani, e!
bong: ay, hindi pala tutu-o 'yon!
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bong: hi hi hi nakakatawa talaga
biyenan: ang alin?
bong: wala ho nag iisip lang ako
biyenan: ha ha ha heh heh yan ang nakakatawa!
____________
mr. baltic: bong, may error itong ginawa mong report, kaya correct it!
bong: yes sir. alin ho dito ang kokorekin?
mr. baltic: yung buong report!
____________
mr.baltic: tom, kailan mo matatapos yang report na pinagagawa ko?
tom: sir, sa firiday.
mr. baltic: anong year?
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miss tapia and co.: ha ha hiii hihi haha
tom: ang saya saya nyo a. sino ba ang pinagkukwentuhan nyo?
miss tapia and co.: IKAW!
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bing: simo, sa palagay mo kaya MAYABANG ako?
simo: hindi naman oy! bakit?
bing: usually kasi, ang mga babaing kasing ganda ko ay mayabang!
_____________
bing: simo, anong tingin mo sa bago kong damit!
simo: gusto mo sabihin ko ang tutuo!
bing: H'WAG NA!
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bing: simo, magsabi ka ng TUTUO, maganda ba ako?
simo: hindi ka magalit?
bing: H'WAG NA LANG!
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(there you are... if only these were my related literature...)

time and chance

taken from the vantage point of my prison cel window, before the winter closes. seeing them, i resolved to play well and play right. why worry when i can play?

"the race is not to the swift

or the battle to the strong,

nor does food come to the wise

or wealth to the brilliant

or favor to the learned;

but time and chance happen to them all."

if i said that, you have all the reason not to believe. it would be construed as sourgraping for not being able to finish the race, win the battle, eat an expensive sushi, acquire a 25karat diamond (if there's one), and get the best deals. but i did not say that. now you have the option to reconsider believing that. one of the best admired person i know, king solomon - the wisest man who ever lived on earth, the most politically powerful in his heydays, the richest, having had the 3 w's every male on earth covets: wealth, wine and women, exactly in that order - said exactly those words as quoted. "i have seen something else under the sun: the race is not to the swift or the battle to the..."

just like me, if you believe the words of king solomon, you too can now sleep better. and just like the children being unmindful of the crams and whines of the poor little creatures competing in a rat race of academics, i too can now rest, relax and recreate. is not favor only to the learned? no matter how much it is argued, the truth of the matter is that "time and chance happen to them all."

right opportunities come at the right time. if it comes, grab it. if doesnt, wait. if it won't, create it. just don't kill yourself for not being able to eat the expensive sushi now. relax, and sleep well. tomorrow is sushi time.

spibatsupman

interactive fun zone, 2005 world expo, march 31, 2005

i am not a killer, and i don't "eat death threats for breakfast." nor do i intend to be a former, nor desire for the latter. i am fully aware of the fleetingness of life, the certainty of death, and the uncertainty of tomorrow. yet, like the psalmist david, i declare with confidence that "though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil."

this confidence is not borne out of the fact that i am surrounded by best opportunities this world can offer. this confidence is not borne out of the fact that i am young, vigorous, rich, eligible, handsome (walang kokontra!), and optimistic enough to believe that i could be spiderman, batman, superman, turn into one: spibatsupman. (don't attempt to imagine how it'd look like; let spielberg do it...and i turned out to be an extinct living creature in a jurassic sequel hahaha nice try.) the confidence i declare is very much grounded on the fact that i can actually do nothing on my own, i have really nothing to show to the world, i am in fact nothing, and only in the belief that i am like a sheep whose shepherd's "rod and staff, they comfort me." rod for pain when i am out of my way; staff for a gentle tap to walk in a safer way.

the complete quote of my confidence is best expressed in psalm 23*, a song of david:

The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.


so i believe. so i am not afraid.

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*scripture quotations taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. copyright c 1973, 1978, 1984 by international bible society. used by permission.